Heidi's Boob-napping

Dear tabloid readers/watchers,

One of my shameful secrets is that I watch TMZ. Unlike STAR magazine and the other tabloids, they really don’t take themselves seriously. Sure, they make fun of idiot celebrities, but they also make fun of themselves. The Boss Man stands behind the cubicles spying over his minions and drinks out of the same thermos with what I hope are different straws each show (I think it would be slightly more unsanitary than Michael Jordan’s use of the same drawers every game). Their potshots, scripted or otherwise, are generally spot on and in decent enough taste.

There’s also a cute Latina with prominent grill (the kind where it looks like she has braces) and those black designer frames with thick end pieces. What makes her attractive is that she’s dorky so it makes you think you’d have a chance, even though a NYC hostess would probably have a better chance of getting away from Tiger’s sight.

So there was this story about how Heidi Montag (you know, that annoying chick who you want to tape her mouth shut and bend her over--she might be into that kind of thing*) got a boob job. She had promised the exclusive first photos of her ‘new kids’ to some trashy magazine, and so after her operation, she covered up her new purchase(s), Michael Jackson style. Some neighbor had seen Heidi with a bag over her head (which isn’t a bad look) and reported a kidnapping to the cops.

A few minutes later, the boys in blue and black (who beat minorities black and blue), showed up to protect the United States’ most valuable assets: its Hollywood celebrities.

Cali’s bloated tax dollars at work. That’s why I live in Texas. People would sooner pull one of the many 12-gauges from their garage and go a-huntin' if they see a crime happening. The slogan 'Don't mess with Texas' extends beyond littering our roadways.

It's a shame about Heidi, because I liked how she looked pre-plastic surgery. Too bad you can't fix personalities with a scalpel (maybe a lobotomy?).
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*Hope she doesn’t sue me. Though I’ll probably make more money than she does over a lifetime, she definitely makes more than me this year. It’s a dismal world when celebutantes make more than doctors.