Re-release #5, a little serious this time:
I think I was feeling a little depressed at the time. Sleep deprivation will do that to you.
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Oct 14, 2009
What ever did happen to 'E' as in 'Ecstasy'? Did the rave fad die out with all the swirling lights and $15 bottled water? Haven't heard too much dance/trance/house music lately; a few dance/trance songs manage to break the Top 40 every now and then but none recently. Maybe the DEA finally cracked down on the import/export business. Probably, it just got old.
Well, this isn't about that 'E'; it's about the 'E' you see on your fuel meter in your car, the one that when you see the needle point to it, you exclaim 'F--k, I need to put $2 worth of gas (0.25 gal) if I'm going to make it home,' and you pray that you're not in the ghetto. But when you're in Houston, you're mostly in the ghetto, so when it happened to me, I just prayed I wouldn't sputter out on the freeway (which would have meant nearly certain death in Houston traffic). Also, Mama gave me her credit card to pump gas while I was in school, so I'd always hold out until I got home.
Aside from the literal, I've run on E in the figurative sense since 11th grade of high school. Back in the day (all 6 years ago), I thought I still had a chance to get into an Ivy or a prestigious private/public school (until it was snatched from my grasp by well-meaning parents, which will be a major focus in the book I'll never finish). I was (and still am, maybe?) very intelligent as measured by standardized tests. Absolutely zero common sense, but very knowledgeable about test-taking. In fact, 40 points away from a perfect 1600 on the SAT, and those 40 points I blame on my being ESL (Engrish is Second Rangrage)*. I also got all 5's on the 8 Advanced Placement** tests I took my senior year. I was a junior when I entered college. Major nerd? Head buried in books?
Nerd, absolute yes, book burying, no. I played Starcraft and random online games up till about 2 weeks before all the tests. And then I crammed hard like trying to stuff that last crab puff at the end of a Chinese buffet orgy. But unlike the people hopped up on Red Bull, Adderall, Ritalin, meth, or E, I did it with natural adrenaline, the adrenaline that comes from the fear of bringing shame upon your family.
Mama's guilt-trip is the most potent stimulant known to man. And I pulled it all off. Scot free. Nearly perfect on all accounts, except it came with that gnawing hollowness of getting something you didn't feel you deserved (or that you didn't want).
Friends and classmates jokingly ask to trade brains with me for a day or for a test. Trust me, you don't want this flaming ball of madness in your head. All the Xanax, Lithium, Effexor, Prozac, Ritalin, Adderall, Zoloft, Wellbutrin, Depakote, Cymbalta, and Ambiens in the world won't save you from going stir crazy. How did I do it? On the fact that I couldn't fail, that I wasn't allowed to fail.
It wasn't just the typical Asian guilt-trip, about bringing honor to your family and such so that Mom and Dad can say to Aunt and Uncle about how good their son is. No, this is redemption for all the mistakes your father had made.
The soul that sinneth, it shall die. The son shall not bear the iniquity of the father, neither shall the father bear the iniquity of the son: the righteousness of the righteous shall be upon him, and the wickedness of the wicked shall be upon him. -Ezekiel 18:20
But iniquities were heaped on me. And being a faithful son, I bore them. I bore them almost to death by my own hands (read my book if I ever finish it!). But no matter how hard I rebelled against doing what was expected of me, I eventually did do what was expected of me. And I did the expected and more. The model student, the perfect front, all shattered inside.
All the time I felt empty, but I could always seem to pull off that one test, and then the next one, like Elijah in 1 Kings 19 (I'm in no way calling myself a prophet). But I made it through all that, hollow and broken, but the shell of myself still existed to walk up the steps to get my diploma, the one that was forced on me.
More was (is) expected of me. But having thoughts like 'I think I would rather die' flash almost as frequently as thoughts of sex made me change my mind. So f--k the world and its cancer and its swine flu and its AIDS and global warming and the quest for world peace; I'm not the hero you were looking for. Find some other martyr to stone, one who will willingly give up his life. Me? I want what's coming to me.***
Take me as I am.
(next post will be a funny post, I promise)
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*Viet people don't juxtapose R and L
**Advanced Placement earns college credit at most universities; 5 is the highest score
***'The world, and everything in it.' -Al Pacino, for all you Scarface fans
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Deluxe commentary: I'm having the time of my life! And with the new healthcare reform, I probably make as much now as a pharmacist as I would have made as a doctor 7 years from now.
It doesn't pay (moneywise) to do good for society. Think about it: all those investment bankers are probably geniuses compared to that idiot doc who prescribes the newest fad drug because of the pretty drug rep.
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