Hickville 5-0 at 3 AM

Speeders anonymous,

Some 40 miles outside Dallas at 2:30 in the morning, I saw a Crown Victoria creep up from the left on-ramp on I-45. I didn’t have my nightvision goggles (I had left those at Marisa’s condo), but I knew the look of that most despised of American cars. Most minorities and speeders know the look of that ugly mass of metal from far away even in the pitch of night. I had passed by its younger brothers, the Impala and the Charger at 30 minute intervals parked under overpasses all along I-45, both with their headlights off.

But I’m too smart to even have to slam on the brakes; I was cruising at a blistering 64 mph (in a 65 mph speed limit zone). Sure I almost get flattened by large 18-wheelers all the time, but I haven’t gotten a ticket yet in the dozen or so times I’ve driven back and forth from Dallas.

The regular payoff is the gas mileage. It takes only about 7.5 gallons to get to Houston in my trusty Corolla with cruise control activated. At a higher speed, it would probably be about 9-10 gallons. So that’s $3-5 dollars I’m saving so far (4 trips and I get a free lapdance, like the defunct Subway sandwich card).

The not-so regular payoff is the lack of tickets and the lack of fear of being pulled over by Hickville 5-0. I don’t know about you, but I am deathly scared of smalltown cops who might pull me over and call me ‘son’ and say stuff like ‘you’re not from around here’ or ‘chai nee boy’. Granted, I’m a natural born Texan, but Sgt Prejudice doesn’t know that. All he knows is that I’m disrespecting his little speed trap of a town in my Jap-made car. And that I’m another victim in the monthly quota that he swears he does not keep.

I’d pay $200 or whatever the cost is for a speeding ticket, but I just dread the thought of the whole ordeal of being pulled over in the middle of nowhere.

What made this Hickville 5-0 so annoying was that he also cruised at 64 mph just 3 car lengths behind me to my right hand side (I-45 is 3 lanes at this point). And he stayed there for what seemed like 5 miles. Sgt a-holio never gained nor lost ground on me; he just waited for me to break that magical 65 barrier where he can turn on the sirens and belittle me. But a little under 5 minutes later, he exited at another insignificant exit out of my life.

I guess I’m being a little prejudicial myself, having judged this cop before I even got to know him. But honestly, have you ever seen a cop drive the speed limit? He was just hankering for some of my cash.