Po-po Predicament

Dear 5-0,

I have to think that the only people who love (traffic) cops are friends/family of cops. And even they only love the cop(s) that they know. Because people usually dislike those who have authority over them.

And cops can pull you over for any reason, and are in fact pressured to pull you over to increase their numbers/metrics. That's not cool, but This American Life is cool, liberal-ish cool. This 'cold front' hitting the Gulf Coast is mildly cool, but Ira Glass & crew are uber-cool. Anyway, check out their weekly podcast.

Not like it matters to me much. Since I hardly speed because I find my Corolla sitting on 14" starts to creak and shake above 70mph. And I find the gas mileage is insane when put on cruise control at 60mph (yes, I'm the jerk in the right hand lane chilling at 60mph, listening to podcasts on long drives because I like to not have to be on the lookout for cops sitting under bridges or just over hills).

But when I start to hit the greater Houston metro area, I turn off my cruise control and start driving attentively aggressive like everyone else. Because if you're doing 60 on a Houston freeway and it's not rush hour, you're bound to almost get slammed by some large truck bearing the flag of Texas and/or Mexico. Or an old caddy driven by grandma. Or a Lexus LS driven by Asian grandma. Or Charger/300 driven by middle-aged African-Americans. Or Infiniti Gs/Nissan Zs driven by Asian males. Of which, the latter two groups are rolling on glimmering dubs or dubs+.

But at least you don't have to worry too much about the nicer sports cars because the drivers care too much about their whips to get into accidents with your jalopy. When they cut you off, they know that they're not in any risk of messing their paint job--if you get distracted/pissed and wreck your car, then that's your fault. That's just my take, since I'm hopefully going to be upgrading my vehicle soon.
--

So when US-59 turns into 3 lanes somewhere around Grand Parkway, I turn off the aforementioned cruise control, because [stuff] starts to get stupid with these idiot drivers. I caress and careen the steering wheel and the car, respectively, to avoid the speeders and the tortoises. I check out the cop sitting under the bridge in his light-grey 'POLICE' on white cruiser--Impalas (and moderately priced American cars) without rims are dead giveaways. I take the Beltway exit and check the rearview to make sure the 'Scalade behind me slows down a bit while he's checking out his shades in the mirror. Some people can be so narcissistic, not that I'd know anything about that (end sarcasm).

Then I take the first exit off the Beltway because it's the last free exit. I still haven't gotten the EZ tag yet, which I really should, considering I'm not poor anymore and can afford the couple bucks to avoid those atrocious Beltway feeder lights (which are synced so that you hit every damn one no matter how fast/slow you drive). My parents paid upwards of $10 to cross a bridge in NYC when we lived there; I should feel thankful to pay a buck-fifty to avoid some traffic lights.

And then just after the Hwy 288 intersection, I get a bit of amusement. Just some background about this tollroad: the Beltway 8, aka Sam Houston Tollway, completely encircles the greater Houston Metro. It costs about $1.50 to make it through an 1/8 of the circuit which is around $12 to make a complete revolution, which would take you a couple of hours (though I don't know why you'd do that except if you were a Nascar fan). The feeder, or frontage road, which runs adjacent to the tollway, is completely free, but depending on the section can have a crapload of lights. With the exception of going over the Houston Ship Channel and some other spots (I assume), you can use the frontage road and just pay with your time wasted on the lights. That is, it's free if you've got some time to kill.

Houstonians have made it a habit of killing time and the environment to save some coin. So the Beltway feeder can be packed at times. And it's only 2 lanes which wouldn't be a problem if people followed the generally accepted rules of a 2 lane highway, which the Beltway feeder mimics: slower traffic to the right, left lane for passing only.

I think in smaller towns and country roads, left-lane-for-passing-only is a law and you can get ticketed. But not in Houston of course. So all the time I see jerks driving the speed limit in BOTH lanes next to each other, not letting people pass for a good couple of miles. I've decided that it's usually because they're not paying attention to their surroundings, and not because they're vindictive a-holes. Chalk it up to my naivete or hope for humanity.

So when it happened this time around, I wasn't surprised. I just turned up Katy Perry's Teenage Dream on the radio ('yea girl, I think you're pretty without any makeup on, now can I put my hands on you in your skin-tight jeans? ;)') to turn down my frustration. But then I noticed the cause of this vehicular rudeness: a cop car.

I pass by a speed limit sign: 50 mph. I look at my odometer: 50 mph. I look at the cars: 50 mph, deduced by using relational physics. In redneck speak: 'He goin 50 cuz I'm goin 50 and I ain't passin em like Dale Earnhardt.'

And the cop just tailed them for a few miles, and finally got to his turn off the feeder. He seemed pissed because he got halfway into the left lane, but then decided that the other car wasn't going to speed up or slow down either. And it's not like he could pull them over for any moving violation: they were obeying the law--50 mph. But the cop knew and the two cars in front of him knew and I knew that everyone drives 65 on the feeder if they're under 65 (years old).

That's that. I guess this would be a Seinfeld-like post, an episode about nothing.