Expired Milk: Where's My Money?

Dear yogurt lovers,

Let me preface this post with a description of a very common annoyance that has been happening to me this year. As a strapping single bachelor with no one to care for except me-myself-and-I, I have been remarkably good at not taking care of my sole ward. Sure, I handle the major things like keeping a roof over my head, wearing a seat belt and protection, etc, but diet, exercise, and sleep have been woefully neglected, like the red-headed step-child.

So I buy a gallon of non-organic (I like it hormone-laced!) fat-free milk about once every two weeks, resolving to have my daily 2 glasses of leche like the really smart people on TV suggest. But eventually, at the end of those two weeks, I’ve had about 2 glasses total and only because I felt like having something to go with my Lucky Charms. And at the end of those two weeks, I’ve felt really bad about eating Lucky Charms, so I get the 100%-daily-vitamins-and-minerals cereal which has about the consistency and taste of soggy cardboard. But where I epic-fail* is that the milk is two days past the ‘BEST BY’ date. Have you noticed that it’s not an expiration date, but a ‘BEST BY’ date?

Anyway, I pop the plastic cap and brush off the dried white flakes from around the rim of the bottle. A quick sniff reveals a faintly acidic odor not unlike the smell of plain yogurt. The milk flows freely when I shake the plastic jug, and there’s not much sediment; I think those are good signs. The cardboard cereal is already in the bowl looking very unappetizing, and it would be a chore to finagle the damn thing back into the box.

Oh well. I tip the container of fermented milk, watching it slosh gently over the wheat flakes. Thirty seconds pass, and I take another whiff wondering if letting the milk rest would improve its bouquet as if it were some fine wine. But like Olde English**, it’s best to hold your nose and gulp it while it’s still chilled.

I didn’t know what was more revolting, the milk or the cereal. But like a kid being forced to eat his vegetables, I willed my way through, spoonful by spoonful. After what seemed like torture comparable to water-boarding, I make it through the ordeal somewhat intact. And I felt good about doing well for myself and for not wasting milk.

But the warm fuzzy feeling subtly morphed itself into ominous gurglings and severe abdominal cramps. It felt like the time I had the ‘bottled water’ in Mexico. But the pain subsided, and being a stupid male, I sloshed another glassful of that drank down my throat instead of into the sink. But it wasn’t all that bad. The natural acidity of age added character to what would otherwise be a boring beverage.

So this post is like my expired milk. It doesn’t quite fit into the time frame, but it’s still good, and if you drink it with an open mind, it is quite palatable and surprisingly tasty! But don’t sue me if you get an enteric infection.

DISCLAIMER: g neither recommends nor condones eating or drinking of expired foods and/or medicines.
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Chuc mung nam moi! I’m too lazy to put all the Vietnamese diacritical and accent marks on the greeting. And if I did, it may not display correctly on your computer screens anyway. Basically it means, ‘Happy New Year’ in Vietnamese. February 14 this year happens to be the lunar new year as well, so the Asian folks in red garb are pulling double duty with VDay (red is a lucky color). There will be plenty of new years to come, so I’ll defer the description of the festivities as next year’s will likely be similar to this year’s. In Vietnamese, the word for new year is ‘Tet’.

Suffice it to say that there is plenty of booze, gambling, and luck-mongering. And for most kids, plenty of red envelopes, known in Vietnamese as li xi, filled with crisp, nice-smelling bank notes. There are a lot of traditions around it, but the only important one is that old(er) people give money to younger folks as long as the recipient is unmarried.

According to the repository of all knowledge***, both good and poorly-sourced,

‘In Vietnam, lì xì are typically given to those who are younger as long as they are bachelors’

Damn straight! I’m a bachelor and will remain so for the foreseeable future. So where’s my money!?

Now my extended family isn’t rolling in dough like some Asian folks are, but I’ve managed to scrounge up at least $100 in past Tets. Just for comparison, some of my friends rake in $500. I’m not that greedy; I just want a little something--It’s incredibly satisfying to not spend your own money.

So what was the count this year? A bill? $75 or $50? Nope, not any of the above.

It was a measly $35, and $20 was from Mama since she was in a giving mood this year. I can’t even get a shirt at Express for that amount!

I blame the recession! Young Asians everywhere should lobby to siphon CEO bonuses to compensate for the slimming of red envelopes around the nation. It is all very unjust! I am outraged and appalled that Obama would let me suffer a loss of ~$65. My new job and the fact that I don’t really need the money have nothing to do with it. The United Auto Workers didn’t stop fighting for higher wages when GM was going under, and I won’t either!

I’m just being facetious as always. My indignant resentment is all in good fun. I had a great time hanging out with the family, and that is far better than any amount of money.
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*epic-fail – the (bastardized) verb form of ‘epic failure’
**what do you know about that malt liquor?
***Wikipedia