After the bildungsroman ends

As a younger man, I was obsessed with bildungsromans. They were fantastical escapes from what I thought was a dreary, boring existence of my own. But the unsatisfying thing about all those books was that they inevitably ended. And that was where I was supposed to get some fanciful message about life, the universe, and everything.

My last post was two years ago. At that time, I struggled with the weight of things I realize now I chose to carry unnecessarily. But with the relief of excess work and "figuring things out", I did not have time nor energy to address it. They weighed me down, and I lived with that weight.

Fast forward two years. It seems that I still carry the same emotional weight, but had tacked on 40 extra pounds of the excuses I made to be unhealthy. A younger g would have declared at this point something along the lines of "No more! Today is a new day. A new beginning!" A whole lot of drivel and wasted breath.

This older, more wizened g will simply state that this is a time for reflection, not spiraling depression nor grandiose predictions. This is a time for addressing problems with a clear head and conscious decision-making, not inflating petty annoyances or dwelling on past mistakes.

My house will close a week after it was supposed to, and the appliances had not been installed on schedule. I had driven in excess of 200 miles in the interim to check to see the work that had been done. It's okay, and it will be okay. If they don't fix those paint marks, I'll survive. Even if they don't have the stove-top installed, I'm pretty sure I can make due with a microwave. No worries.

I guess I feel like Ralph Ellison's protagonist in Invisible Man: "How had I come to this? I had kept unswervingly to the path placed before me, had tried to be exactly what I was expected to be, had done exactly what I was expected to do – yet, instead of winning the expected reward, here I was stumbling along, holding on desperately to one of my eyes in order to keep from bursting out my brain against some familiar object swerved into my path by my distorted vision."

I am not an invisible man (a pun about my weight? lol). Ellison's protagonist railed against the injustice he felt throughout his entire life. Perhaps that was what made him invisible- that others failed to perceive him because he failed to perceive himself in his own eyes. I will try to not make that mistake.

I will not let my motivation be the revenge or I'll-show-them-all attitude that precipitates more dysfunction. My motivation will simply be my own well-being. So join me for the ride. Or not. I've taken this ride several times solo before.

And with that, I will calmly grab some dumbbells, do some curls, get some endorphins flowing, shower, and sleep. Tomorrow will be another day, and though the Sun Also Rises on those that have fallen down, only those that are awake and alive to see the sun will appreciate it.

Do you know what happens after bildungsromans? The protagonists move on. And so will I.