Breakup Music Therapy: Lazaretto, Hurt, Fever, Madness

I am going to try very, very hard to not put my ex on blast. That's not going to be my style moving forward. After the initial breakup where things were said which should not have been, I feel I've taken the high road. I offered to remain friends, which she rejected. Which is fine, because it will allow us to heal more quickly- a rapid, unexpected rip of the Band-aid covering over 21 months of relationship which in hindsight should not have lasted that long.

I still love her for the reason that she was the first female to recognize and love me for who I was and not what I was. And for that I'm grateful. And though I feel we both agreed moving on was best for both of us, being together with someone for that long creates a void of time and emotion when that person leaves.

At first, I tried cold-turkey, trying to focus on self and self-improvement. That lasted all of one day. The next night, I experienced unsettling insomnia, thinking about if I had made the right decision in letting her go. Then I remembered the better technique of substitution- after perusing some Facebook profiles I hadn't visited (stalked) in a long while, I cheered up thinking about potential prospects. After realizing that was a bit (very) creepy, I turned to music: lots of alternative rock and trashy club hip-hop music.

Music is a much better e-cigarette than being a creeper, post break-up.

--

Along the way to work one night, 94.5 the Buzz played a nice quad-set of songs which matched my mood exactly: Lazaretto, Hurt (Johnny Cash), Fever, and Madness.

Jack White - Lazaretto - "When I say nothing, I say everything"

I had heard her ultimatum to make the relationship more of a priority before, and I dismissed it off-hand again. "Where are we and what are we doing?" is a dangerous question which I will address more carefully in the future. Women may complain that relationships are not things to be planned, not something to schedule. I argue that it is, and I did not place the right priority. 

It is here where I will interject that she did not place the right priority in the relationship either. I will refrain from dredging examples, but we both failed each other in the relationship. And we both deserve better.

Johnny Cash - Hurt - "What have I become, my sweetest friend?"

When I first met her, my life trajectory was finally on target. I started a job with long-term prospects, I was continuing my weight-loss goals, and I had finally glimpsed the "end-game" as it were. It was around this time when my apartment lease was finally up on the darkest chapter of my life. So when I met this girl of my supposed dreams, it seriously felt like the start of my happily ever after. But real life doesn't have storybook endings.

I had a conversation with a really interesting guy a few weeks ago. One thing he said that stuck out was, "You know, after all the butterflies settle down, after the mystery and mystique is gone, it kinda becomes just work."

And I had an excessive amount of work already. I credited it to making the down payment on the house and the appliances and the furniture and etc. But in honesty, I had enough to get by. Perhaps in my subconscious, I knew things weren't going to work out, so I turned to work instead.

But along the way, since I had no one to impress (me: "Would you stay with me if I was 250lbs?" her: "Yes! But I'd put you on a diet.. fatty :P"), I let myself go. At the end, at my prompting, she said my weight and health had become an issue. Fair enough. Pain and Gain.

The Black Keys - Fever - "You shook me like I've never been | Now show me how to live again"

If you ever break up with someone, steel yourself and ask what went wrong and what you can do to fix things in the future. And take it as priceless advice from someone who knew you and knows you well enough to be dreadfully honest. Since at this point, she kinda hates your guts, lol.

She said some other things besides the weight which I've ingrained for personal development. Humanity's foremost technology are the ideas and knowledge we gain and share. Firsthand acquisition is generally better than learning from keyboard jockeys.

Muse - Madness - "I'm not expecting you to care | That I have finally seen the light"

After reflection, the relationship was comfortable- too comfortable. We were vulnerable enough to reveal our fears and dreams, and the other person was accepting and non-critical, non-judgmental. As I embark on the single-life again, I know I will face much criticism and rejection. That, however, is how we grow and develop the alchemy of the soul and spirit. And along the way, I'm sure I will find the person who will accept me for who I am, but will also help me to grow to a better man and better person.

Text from a friend: "Find someone who wants to have fun and explore life, I know you actually want to"

I hope the guy she's currently with helps her grow as well. Love is intoxicating, but love doesn't pay the bills and love doesn't always make a person stronger. Even though she rejected my olive branch, I will always love her as a friend. This will not end up in my huge pile of regret which I am chipping away.

--

And so this ends a chapter of my life. I ended the break-up with, "Nice to know you | Goodbye" from Incubus, which quite offended her since she didn't know the reference. Which is unsurprising since we didn't really care for each other's music. But anyway:

Perspective pries your once weighty eyes and it gives you wings

I haven't felt the way I feel today

In so long it's hard for me to specify

I'm beginning to notice

How much this feels like a waking limb

Pins and needles, nice to know you

Goodbye! Nice to know you!

Goodbye! Nice to know you!

Goodbye! Nice to know you!

Goodbye! Nice to know you!

To know you..

fin

After the bildungsroman ends

As a younger man, I was obsessed with bildungsromans. They were fantastical escapes from what I thought was a dreary, boring existence of my own. But the unsatisfying thing about all those books was that they inevitably ended. And that was where I was supposed to get some fanciful message about life, the universe, and everything.

My last post was two years ago. At that time, I struggled with the weight of things I realize now I chose to carry unnecessarily. But with the relief of excess work and "figuring things out", I did not have time nor energy to address it. They weighed me down, and I lived with that weight.

Fast forward two years. It seems that I still carry the same emotional weight, but had tacked on 40 extra pounds of the excuses I made to be unhealthy. A younger g would have declared at this point something along the lines of "No more! Today is a new day. A new beginning!" A whole lot of drivel and wasted breath.

This older, more wizened g will simply state that this is a time for reflection, not spiraling depression nor grandiose predictions. This is a time for addressing problems with a clear head and conscious decision-making, not inflating petty annoyances or dwelling on past mistakes.

My house will close a week after it was supposed to, and the appliances had not been installed on schedule. I had driven in excess of 200 miles in the interim to check to see the work that had been done. It's okay, and it will be okay. If they don't fix those paint marks, I'll survive. Even if they don't have the stove-top installed, I'm pretty sure I can make due with a microwave. No worries.

I guess I feel like Ralph Ellison's protagonist in Invisible Man: "How had I come to this? I had kept unswervingly to the path placed before me, had tried to be exactly what I was expected to be, had done exactly what I was expected to do – yet, instead of winning the expected reward, here I was stumbling along, holding on desperately to one of my eyes in order to keep from bursting out my brain against some familiar object swerved into my path by my distorted vision."

I am not an invisible man (a pun about my weight? lol). Ellison's protagonist railed against the injustice he felt throughout his entire life. Perhaps that was what made him invisible- that others failed to perceive him because he failed to perceive himself in his own eyes. I will try to not make that mistake.

I will not let my motivation be the revenge or I'll-show-them-all attitude that precipitates more dysfunction. My motivation will simply be my own well-being. So join me for the ride. Or not. I've taken this ride several times solo before.

And with that, I will calmly grab some dumbbells, do some curls, get some endorphins flowing, shower, and sleep. Tomorrow will be another day, and though the Sun Also Rises on those that have fallen down, only those that are awake and alive to see the sun will appreciate it.

Do you know what happens after bildungsromans? The protagonists move on. And so will I.