Like synesthesia, which is probably the coolest thing in the world! Imagine viewing letters and numbers as colors and sounds--your own personal continuous trippy episode sans the paranoia. There was NOVA scienceNOW episode on how the brain works where they explained various cute things like optical illusions, switching actors who didn't look similar at all and people didn't notice (which has been done on other shows too, like an ABC primetime special, etc), and the aforementioned synesthetes. Why study a cool, but, at my initial thought, pointless condition (it's not like those affected are suffering much)? Because, as the show explained, it is theorized that synesthesia is possibly caused by inappropriate connections between contiguous parts of the brain. If that can be elucidated, then it could possibly lead to breakthroughs in other psych research like schizophrenia and ADHD. All really exciting, to me at least.
On a sidenote: When I watch science-y programs, I feel like Peggy Hill 'appreciating' the nuances of the Spanish language--that is, someone who has a bare-minimum understanding of a particular subject but projects grand comprehension of the whole field (one of the reasons why I hate King of the Hill). There was a time I could have been one of those string-theorists or neuroscientists, but that naivete is gone. And so are a bunch of brain cells experimented on with certain beverages. And in their [naivete & brain cells] stead are loosely veiled arrogance and contempt of all those successful labcoated guys and gals saying the really smart stuff on the tube. But I wouldn't trade it for the world, because this* is the only thing I know, and the grass is pretty green on my side.
So hopefully they'll come up with a reason for my mood changes besides labeling it manic-depression, and then renaming it bipolar I and bipolar II. I know there's that whole med student syndrome where you learn about stuff and then suddenly find yourself experiencing the exact same symptoms you're reading about. And it may very well be that, since I've never been to a psychologist/psychiatrist. The reason for that is simple: hypomania (a less severe form of mania in which the person is fully-functioning), if I do indeed have bipolar II, is awesome!
I remember a period of a couple weeks before 8 AP tests when I think I cycled out of depression to digest massive quantities of text to pretty much pwn what high school students think are really hard tests. Without that possible hypomanic episode, I wouldn't have bypassed a year of college.
(if I had fudged this image, would I have left the sole demerit, a 4 on the English Language & Composition? My excuse for the 4 is I am ESL.)
And from what I learned in school about bipolar II (which could be outdated by now), the aim of treatment is mood stabilization, basically lithium/valproic acid to control the mania and behavioral therapy for the depression, because antidepressants can trigger a full-blown manic episode with delusions and hallucinations and such. So I figure, what's the point? It would be taking away the only good thing about this disorder leaving me with all the lows and none of the highs. And it would cost time and money.
So over the years, I've dealt with really screwy & racing thoughts like a whole night learning everything there is to know about UCSF Med School or playing FFV for the 5th time repeating the same boring battle countless times to level up characters or cleaning excessively even though I was tired or tearing through the entire house looking for some insignificant item.
But sometimes the mania is really cool and practical (to me at least), like a business accounting application to personal finance or a calendar in eighths rather than months or relation (or rather, comprehension of existing texts) of statistics to economics and social sciences. And I can study/read as if I were prescription-only pharmacologically enhanced without all the messy amphetamine derivatives.
It's great, except there's no on or off switch. And it is past 5am, and the switch is still on. And it may be so for a while. That's okay--the off switch really, really sucks, which partially explains my MIA status for the past few weeks...
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[end pretend-melodrama and pity-induction]
Actually, all the above is pretty over-blown. I do have highs and lows, but so does everyone. Labeling it some disease/condition which doesn't have a palatable treatment is pointless, loosely analogous to telling a Jehovah's Witness that he is bleeding to death. Likely my main disorder is a weird sense of hedonism (non-sexual) with poor self-control and a body that can withstand sleep deprivation. And I couldn't sleep (I'm pretty sleepy now) because I took an unplanned nap too late in the afternoon.
About the MIA, the real truth is the PS3 is such an addicting piece of Satanic machination! And I was lazy about blogging because it pisses me off that nearly every time I turn on my laptop, there's another stupid Windows/Antivirus/Java/Flash update that insists on happening automatically and practically freezes my computer for several minutes. And it's not like I install crapware either (well, Windows is debatable).
But the good news is that I have had lots and lots of thoughts. Some really good ones, and some not-so-good, but the not-so-good ones are funny.
So here's the main-idea/take-home-message/what-is-the-author-trying-to-say/gist/epiphany of this early morning post: Don't label something just to label it. Even if you do label it correctly (which is usually not the case), the thing you named still exists in and of itself (Romeo would still be Romeo were he not Romeo-called). And that thing, if it were a problem, would have the same solution regardless of whether you named it.
Real-life example. My chemistry prof in undergrad called a concept the Henderson-Hasselcrap equation since you have 90% solved the problem by the time you get to plugging the numbers into the 'magic formula.' And instead of understanding the concept, students try to memorize 4+ versions of the same stupid equation.
So if it were true that I had a mild or raging form of bipolar II, what is the sense in pigeonholing this constellation of symptoms to a name?
I guess there are exceptions like someone, suffering from a House-MD-incurable disease, finding relief after hearing the name of one's afflictor. Or like when possession movies have a set of rules which state that if the demon's name were known, it would be exorcised. But usually names are bad--that's why they call it name-calling! Cue rim-shot a la Eminem's window pane lyric.
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Some nights I have thoughts like this which keep me up until I think it out or do some other stuff until I get tired. And usually the next day, I forget all about it. But I think I'll start recording them in the same place (here) so that I won't repeat the cycle of forgetting, remembering, and spending a sleepless night working out all the kinks. Sorta like New Year's Resolutions.
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*at this point, I make a grand yet awkward gesture with my hands and arms about all the stuff around me and in the ether and my various electronics and books and general personage
